my journal

November 20th 2022

owlet (@ tumblr.com)

every day i look at the sink and i’m like seriously? honest to god i have used dishes once again?


owlet (@ tumblr.com)

this post is not for people frustrated by ppl putting dishes in their communal sink bc oh i would NEVER leave a dish in the sink. fuck off you already have your life together you don’t need this post. this is for the slimes and losers whose sinks are filled with the dishes of their own creation. this is for the lazy women, the useless men, the pathetic enbies. get out of here you sparkling clean dished heathens

cryoverkiltmilk (@ tumblr.com)

These other assholes: Oh I hate leaving a mess. Cleaning up actually helps me unwind!

My ADHD executive-dysfunctional fuckin goblin self: I have to perform a TASK? But I just performed a task YESTERDAY!

elidyce (@ tumblr.com)

Some people simply do not understand the profoundly Sisyphean torment that is cleaning things.

Dishes.

Clothes.

House.

Self.

IT DOESN’T MATTER HOW OFTEN YOU DO IT, YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE TO DO IT AGAIN. DOPAMINE PAYOFF IS ZERO, THE TASK IS NEVER COMPLETED AND YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO STOP DOING IT EVER IN YOUR WHOLE LIFE.

i strongly believe that this is part of the appeal of the Tiny House for neurodivergent people if I just cut down enough on the number of things I have and the amount of space they are contained in i could make the house clean without actually getting up. which is the dream

god. just. /flails limbs wildly in the direction of this post

i have never been able to relate even the tiniest amount to people who've said they find cleaning "fun" or "relaxing" or "satisfying" in any way. i can barely tolerate doing it and only tolerate it because there's no real other choice besides living in squalor, and if i ever became well off enough to pay people well to clean my house regularly i would never clean my own house again for the rest of my life.
and i know how it seems to other people, who don't have executive dysfunction problems. i know it sounds "lazy." but similarly to how i can't fathom not loathing having to clean, they apparently can't fathom how torturous it is to do tasks that have zero dopamine payoff when your brain is already starved for even the smallest scrap of dopamine. i feel so Seen in this set of posts and nobody will truly understand except people with similarly crossed wires in their brains.

elidyce's tag talk is actually also exactly why i love and want small living spaces, and am repelled by even the very thought of a large house. more room you have to clean! more space to accumulate clutter! i'd really rather die than have to clean a large house myself just to live in it, or deal with the burden of other people's expectations of neurotypical cleaning performance from me and accompanying growing resentment. sigh.