my journal

February 1st 2023

trying something new with the journal this time. mostly converting it to php but also primarily just injecting plain text html without really using databases or anything. i tried Wordpress for a while but it was very slow, startlingly so, and seemed like it was going to be more of a pain in the ass to customize than i'd have liked. and i guess i could've continued using a free host and injected everything with javascript, but. god. if i look deep inside myself and face myself i have to just say. i don't want to fucking deal with that anymore. i don't want to have to deal with all the weird people on neocities who think javascript is satan incarnate and refuse to turn it on (but only on other peoples' websites of course, their own javascript is perfectly fine and good and would never harm anyone... also frames are magically fine too, of course. ugh. i can't stand these people) and i also don't want to deal with having to hand-write and manage each header for every single page. i don't want my site indexed by search engines at all anyway, but there are important things in the head tag that they apparently don't process if the part of the page that includes the head tag is injected post-render with javascript.
also, finding ways to combine js files or load multiple files with one master file (so they could all still be external files and work with my content security header) was such a pain in the ass. sure, maybe i could stop using the security header, nothing is ever 100% secure, but idk i don't especially want to deal with inline javascript and css. i guess it's easier if you're just generating every page but. ugh. not really any easier and honestly more irritating to keep track of when you're hand-writing a lot of things.

the years remain harrowing. despite the area we live in i'm pretty sure requiring health insurance benefits linger after someone leaves a job apparently my spouse lost their benefits the moment they last clocked out, which means an appointment i made for a medical procedure that was covered by insurance when i made the appointment is no longer covered. and it's expensive.
i feel the years have been incredibly harrowing even aside from having somehow survived what's apparently the most deadly plague in human history... it's almost comedic honestly, the hypercapitalist fascist countries hurrying the rest of the world to hell with them as the backdrop for the ruinous state of my personal life. i have to at least laugh a little because it's otherwise abjectly fucking terrifying and fills my veins with despair.

anyway. i guess moving on from that. part of me misses some parts of neocities, and i'll still maintain a presence there because it's honestly the best webhost i've used, especially for being free. it's a real shame they don't offer any kind of server-side support even with the paid option because i'd love to remain there, but having to deal with pure client-side websites is just not something i'm willing to tolerate anymore unfortunately. i have met some really cool and fun people there too, and hope to stay in some manner of contact with them by maintaining my neocities as a page that points mostly to this site, but god some of the pretentious fucking assholes i've met there too. i don't really want to name them right now because i don't really think who exactly they are matters or needs airing to the world, especially since some of the bigoted shitbags have moved off neocities to be like that on their own servers thank god, but it's honestly just exhausting people can be like this.
like. really? does it really have to matter so damn much if someone uses their site the way other people use carrd? are you really going to lose sleep over someone using a /gasp framework? half of you already use frameworks you pretentious dipshits, what do you think jquery is? it's just the fake feminism shit all over again, the idea of oh women should be free to do whatever they want – oh wait not that i meant only things i personally approve of. people should be free to make their personal site however they want oh wait no i meant only in ways i personally think is acceptable. like god, shut the fuck up. most of you fuckers use frames! far too many of you literally trigger my photosensitivity with all the god damn full-screen css animations you use! at least the person who barely even knows what html tags are and just has a neocities that's a single page and links to social media isn't giving me an instant migraine because they decided a full-screen moving "crt" look for their page was cool and fun, fuck the photosensitive people! fuck!

god. i dunno. i love neocities and at least a decent amount of the people there, but there's also some people who are just real fuckers and i wish they'd just leave already and take their unwarranted self-importance and epileptic hell websites with them.

anyway. i guess i feel like i've just been broken by how much fucked up stuff has happened to me. i don't even feel like i can have hope this year will be good, as it's already proving it won't even just be neutral. i just hope i can get through another year successfully, i hope i can make this website flourish in all the ways i want it to. maybe i'll even learn more than the three words of php i use to inject text files into pages and do some... actual dynamic generation of pages. i hope i can be good enough at coding for it.