yesterday the roommate friend was talking to her partner/friend/??? about how apparently some people seem to think veganism is for "rich people." i'm still thinking about it because of how absolutely perplexing it was to hear. obviously she probably hears far more of weird things like that as a vegan herself than i do just in passing but it was definitely one of the weirder wrong things i've come across people thinking about veganism. for rich people? seriously?? ah yes, rice and beans, famously only eaten by rich people...
which i mean. there is the tiniest grain of truth that is adjacent to this topic that if you have access to the means to abstain from animal products by personal choice (instead of, say, for medical reasons) and also enough food variety still available to you your major nutrients are all covered aside from the B12, that's generally putting you at a little better off than people who can't even make that choice and have to consume all nutrients and calories available to them regardless of source. but that doesn't mean veganism is purely for rich people; the space between what i just stated and "veganism is only for the rich" is the size of the Grand Canyon. idk. it's just an incredibly strange thing to come across people saying, even in passinge.
roommate friend (maybe i'll start calling her A here?) was also laughing as she talked about how meat substitutes can be pricey but the cost of things like meat and eggs has gone up so much the substitutes are actually cheaper. she didn't say it then but i know she's gone into before as well that a lot of animal products are only cheap because the government subsidizes them and the animals are allowed to live wretched short lives, which is unfortunately true. even as someone who doesn't personally abstain from animal products, the system needs to change and it needs to change drastically. people mislabeling veganism as for rich people helps no one and distracts from the real issues at hand...
sigh. continue to need a new job. i have some applications in at places and even talked to some of the management at one place, a place my spouse used to work (not the hellish place they currently work at, another place.) but still haven't been called back. i'm trying not to be disheartened about it, but having a potential route out of my current job, even one that doesn't seem like it'll work out, makes my current job that much less bearable.
every day i feel wound up tight like a spring just being there, and even when people antagonize me i can't react. my reaction to things even like people directly antagonizing me is seen as me having "attitude problems," and i'm often the first one rules get applied to, even as my coworkers continue to all around me blatantly disregard them without so much as a word from any manager. 🙃
things i've been screamed at not to do, the next day for that exact same person to right in front of me do the thing they screamed at me not to do. people silently walking up behind me to do something (my workplace is very loud, it's easy to not hear people as they move around) and when i bump into them i get a very rude excuse me!!!
seeing the new guy get chewed out by multiple people for not responding as soon as he's asked to do something so they know he heard them, meanwhile (again) these same damn people will refuse to respond to multiple calls from me asking if i heard them until the third damn time when i get an I HEARD YOU!! GOD!!!
like. what the actual fucking hell is your problem?
the way the new people get treated here the turnover rate seems to be climbing, and i don't blame anyone who leaves honestly. i would too if i got into a job fresh and they treated me the way a lot of the new hires get treated. one guy they kept ragging on and making fun of behind his back for not being able to put the enormous amount of boxes from the truck shipment away fast enough for their tastes, and it's like. you need a solid core to do truck fast; that takes several MONTHS to build and this guy's only been here two weeks. you need to give him time.
honestly, the only reason i've even survived this long is i've been through several changes in management and the management that was running my job when i was newer weren't nearly so hard on the workers. i know in my bones i wouldn't have survived this bullshit if i was hired onto this management team.
i try my hardest to stay kind to people, but it feels impossible some days in a job like this. a job where you can tell people repeatedly to stop doing this thing that actively makes more work for you and makes your life harder, but nobody really gives a shit until you leave the position for another, and suddenly once it's someone else's problem there's a fuckton of signs all over the position saying "stop doing (x thing Silver was telling people to stop fucking doing)!" like wow. suddenly it's a problem when i don't have to deal with it anymore and someone else has to. 
fascinating.
it's just crushing. it's very hard to balance knowing i need to be accountable for my mistakes as an imperfect and flawed person like everyone else is, working at a place where i get the third fucking degree for things that aren't even my fault at all. it's not anything i'm not used to, my home life when i still lived with my parents was exactly the same as this job, but it's exhausting and actively detrimental to my wellbeing to deal with. i just hope i can get a way out to a different less shitty job, because unfortunately even if this place has been slowly killing me for years, i still need food in my mouth and a roof over my head, so. shrug i guess.
despite it all i am still trying quite hard to find the little niceities in life that make it worth living. i just also don't feel like pretending even slightly anymore like there's nothing wrong. people who are unwilling to sit with the discomfort of the wretchedness of some parts of existing don't deserve the me i'm trying to become.
i'm generally very unfond of warmer weather, but seeing all the robins again staking out their territories has been nice.
i want this year to be a good year. i have already long accepted there is much i cannot control, even in my own life, but i will try to fix the things i can.
many things are so complicated though, many more than people want to admit aren't easy fixes. i recently learned there's a specialist in A.D.H.D. and autism who i could possibly see once i have insurance again (another pain in the ass thing i need to solve...) i would love to have some medication prescribed to me that will help me greatly in reclaiming my life from the executive dysfunction hellscape it's always been, but it's a double-edged sword as getting a diagnosis is not only harder if you were assigned female, but even if you do many places will refuse to allow you gender-affirming surgery if you're officially diagnosted with autism. the feeling like i may have to choose is really killing me. i can't stand living in this flesh heap that was allowed to grow in ways that cause me intense agony but also i can't stand living with a brain that can't function the way i need it to without chemical help, in a world where getting the chemical help generally only comes with a slip of paper saying you have this brain problem For Realsies. i both loathe the position i'm forced to be in and want to scream, but also just feel like lying down motionless about it.
blah.
at least in video games and my own personal writing i can exist as who i am in a joyful and fulfilled way. that's always something, if nothing else.