i'm so tired.
thankfully i did eventually get over the disappointment and pain of not being able to do art fight, but i do still resent how the chain of events that led to where i am now in my life basically forced me to abandon it, because i can never focus on art for long while in survival mode.
i don't have any hope left for anything.
but the world still turns, and i'm still here, so i just have to find ways to drag myself along anyway.
honestly, i don't even want every entry i write here to be depressing. i wanted this journal to be a new branch, a new opportunity to have a less... negative journaling space. but i guess the branch is still poisoned by the same roots my old journals were decades ago, new facets of the same instability, upheaval, the same catastrophic destruction of everything decent in my life i keep experiencing. i guess the only thing different from when i was a teenager is it's being done by people i thought i could trust rather than people i already didn't.
oh well. 
anyway. i do think i've pinpointed the main thing that bothers me so damn much about the "physical media" movement i'm increasingly seeing. or, well. i guess i shouldn't say movement as i tend to follow a small handful of people online, so i'm not actually sure of the reach of this. belief system? but anyway the amount of times i've noticed people interacting with posts about physical media have definitely increased, especially physical media as the pure and superior alternative to the evil DRM-locked digital media. which i mean yes, DRM only generally aids large companies already worth billions to my knowledge, it's why i only buy digital media that's completely DRM-free, as in i directly own and keep the files themselves once bought.
but anyway, my adhd is making my own point get away from me.
the thing that bothers me about this i've realized is the same thing that bothers me about people pushing alternative "less cruel" lifestyles driven purely by being selective about what you buy and don't buy.
it's just more people fucking trying to buy their way out of the system of capitalism.
and it makes me want to reach through my monitor, shake them very gently, and whisper.
buying your way out of capitalism is completely impossible.
you can't dismantle a system with its own tools.
like if you prefer physical media that's one thing. i can't relate honestly, but i get that some people just like it better. that's really an entirely different beast than insisting it's somehow the savior of media in general, especially with things like blu-ray discs being released that are completely encrypted and unusable until they can connect to a server online and fetch their encryption key. there are already games like that as well, that are completely unplayable until they're able to connect to a server somewhere.
i guess i also get the impression at least some portion of the people advocating for full replacement of digital media with physical media is mistaking the assumed ownership and freedom to do whatever you want with physical media is an inherent part of the physicality of it, and not just two unrelated things together in one. physical media can be and increasingly is DRM-locked, the discs you buy are just a fancy encryption key holder with a bunch of otherwise useless data on it.
and sure, they don't have to be. a lot of advocates for physical media suggest burning the actual files onto physical discs. but to do that, you need... a non-DRM digital file in the first place.
which i guess is my entire point. they're not only not mutually exclusive, they're both beneficial and even help each other in terms of being an archive of media you like. i've been in enough situations where i've been forced to part with most of my physical belongings i no longer feel safe owning physical media like discs, and there's no guarantee that any single physical media enthusiast wouldn't find themself in the same situations i've been in, and others that either force you to permanently lose access to or even outright destroy your physical collection. and this is where digital media comes in. store your burned media on a hard drive, back it up regularly, keep a few copies of your collection on various types of file storage and you're now vastly less likely for even a catastrophic disaster to completely nuke your collection.
and it goes the opposite way as well. did somehow all of your file backups fail or get destroyed? just read the stuff off your physical disks and copy the files off them to a new file storage drive array.
physical media isn't your only savior, and digital media isn't your enemy.
DRM is your enemy. corporations abusing copyright to restrict access are your enemy. there's no amount of dvds you can buy that will change that, but you can absolutely buy and enjoy your personal burned dvd collection for what it is while still pressuring lawmakers and advocating for consumer rights.
anyway. idk. that's just one topic of many that's been floating around in my brain that i've been wanting to talk some about. i wish i had the energy for the rest. i want to talk about things, but i feel like my body is a car that has every warning light on the dashboard on at once and a battery chugging along at sub-10% charge.
i can't see things becoming any less miserable unless something changes. i honestly have no hope anymore that i'm lucky enough something will change in a way where i can escape this situation in a way that doesn't lead me to something just as bad as where i am now. but i am at least... open to the possibility of such a thing happening. if nothing else.